update

okay... this site is getting really, really stagnant. Guys, just go to www.livejournal.com/white_elf for my blogs. updating two blogs is just senseless... besides, i have three, four years of history there... so... magcomment kayo if you want there. di naman nakalock... ^_^

so many things are happening at so short a time... i'm getting set up, my friends are getting real relationships, exams are coming along, i'm probably failing in a number of subjects (good bye dreams of DL), the doctor says i'm WAY too stressed... ack! d###!!!

It's wrong. My life now is wrong. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I say and how I say it is wrong. This school is wrong. This vocation is wrong. I'm not an architect. I do not live and breath architecture. I am not happy. I am not myself.

Then, certain people kept saying, 'choose an occupation you like and you'll never work a day in your life.' Well, at this point, that is not working for me at all. Architecture. Its not that I hate it, because I don't. I adore it. I want to build houses, churches, towers, airports... all over the world, and see them actually standing. Actually existing on this earth. I want to travel the world and see what man has made. How he made it. The mistakes and the innovations. The effect, the spirit, the meaning behind each concept of each building. The greatness it gives. I want to learn it all! But this school is Worthless. I've learned some, but insignificant. I have no inkling of what I'm suppose to be doing. Give me a site and a problem, and I'll ask, then what?

Each plate given is to be solved. I dont complain. The harder it is, the more I want to solve it... THAT's THE POINT, isn't it. and you, stop complaining that its just TOO HARD. that's the whole d### point. you're suppose to take it as a challenge not insist that things should be easier. g########.

I stare at the piece of paper and idea float around. some like ghosts... you thought there was something then maybe there wasn't... i cannot be great like this. i want to be great. i want to be appreciated for something i appreciate myself, for doing something i'm proud of. If i was to be a great architect, shouldn't i have ideas flowing like some raging river out of my head. Or I don't have to think at all and just know that that is the solution... no, i'm not like that. i dont even think of architecture if i dont have to...

this is wrong. this isn't where i'm suppose to be. not now... not here... or maybe... not me...

for some reason, i keep dreaming every night, but i dont remember what it was about a few moments after waking up. when you dream, dos it really sometimes turn out to be premonitions? there are those sort of visions with me, but i forget them until the event had passed... how can they be premonitions whn i remember them only after its finished?

about summer... at 19... there is a tinge of regret in summer. i cant remember what i did at all during summer... nothing happened... ever... but its suppose to be the season where children experience their childhood at their peak... i cant remmber anything... somehow this seems like a good stroy to write for me, but i never get to pick up a pen or find paper... is it laziness? or is it emptiness? why can't i remember anything good about the summer? have i really forgotten?

testing

just posting to see how this thing works...

more profound entries to be posted later